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Olive Garden Sucks

If there’s one chain in this world I truly despise, it has to be the Olive Garden.

A “homecooked italian” restaurant with ingredients from the old world? Hardly. Any true guinea would tell you Olive Garden is no more Italian than Chef Boyardee. When your breadsticks are frozen, your salad is pre-packaged and your alfredo sauce is Elmer’s Glue, you should know that you aren’t in a passed-down-for-generations, family owned dining establishment. And no, when you’re there, you are not family.

My hate for this corporation only compounds several times over when their unbearably cheesy television ads gain national exposure. The elements of these ads are typically structured as follows:

Idiot 1: Say something stupid
Idiot 2: Remark in a way no sane person would; usually a quick hitting, ABC-family joke about how good the food is
Table: Collectively laugh

Example 1:

A.) Who does algebra equations with their menu when out to eat with six other people? Unfortunate that this man is unable to make casual conversation.

B.) The unfathomably bad response by the jokester of the table: “You do the math, I’m doing the alfredo!!” ZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

C.) The table reacts by laughing uncontrollably like hyenas to what was quite possibly the worst joke in the history of mankind (and that’s not hyperbole). How did these actors force themselves to giggle like that? I’m convinced the Olive Garden ad execs inject these people with horse tranquilizers before putting them on camera.

Example 2:

A.) The guy with the blue shirt who had his “spots hit” appears to be the third wheel. He is eating his pain through two meals: meat sauce and alfredo.

B.) Is “meat sauce” followed by “alfredo” some type of sexual innuendo? Is this all part of Olive Garden’s subliminal messaging ad campaign?

Example 3:

A.) No waitress is this accommodating, especially at Olive Garden.

B.) Apparently this lady hates her husband. He wasn’t even in the discussion.

C.) That little kid gives one of the most obnoxious hand waves I’ve ever seen in the split second he’s on screen; please pause at the 0:09 mark to see.

In summary, Olive Garden is evil. Do not eat there. Their food is over-priced and their commercials suck.

  1. MapleSyrupShampoo
    July 30, 2010 at 1:42 am

    I can attest to the fact that circus peanuts are one of the worst, most foul items to ever be manufactured for sale. Completely gross. Give me a stale Peep any day.

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